Borrow a Trichotillomania

Meet our Trichotillomania human book as she battles temptation to pull out her hair.

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It started out innocently enough, but it ended up with it, taking control of my life. Let me spare you, the “AA” meeting introduction and let’s skip to the main reason why I am here, I am a recovering Trichotillomania. For those unfamiliar with the term, those who have Trichotillomania have a desirable urge to pull out their hair, usually from their scalp, eyelashes, and eyebrows. Trichotillomania is a type of impulse control disorder. Well, for me, my victim is the hair on my head.

It wasn’t always that way. I could pinpoint the exact moment when it all started. Mind you it doesn’t come all at once. There’s always the build up to the escalation. My hair has always been my pride and joy. Since as a child, watching my friend, tuck her hair behind her ears had become a fascination for me. Still in the midst of finding myself, I collected little traits I found fascinating. It was there when it was a slow build up to me tucking my hair behind my ear became me slowly pulling it out.

A few strands of hair became a chunk of it, it wasn’t until a bald spot appeared at the side of my scalp I knew it had to stop, but I could help myself. It was my poison of choice. What many may not know, is for individuals with Trich, hair pulling is a self-soothing mechanism. It wasn’t because I was addicted to the pain, I was addicted to the false sense of control over my life. This could be best compared to an itch. When people have an itch, they tend to react to it unconsciously.

My parents being typical Asians, did what they could to help me without being too emotionally involve. It took me 6 long months to forget to ‘scratch’, it wasn’t until SPM drew closer when I felt the symptoms slowly creep up on me. It felt like an itch I couldn’t scratch.

As if I didn’t want so desperately for it to stop, more than anyone could imagine. The hardest part of explaining to yourself, the reasons behind the action. Stopping seems like a farfetched when the behaviour made no sense. It made me feel weak and pathetic.

The beginning of the end came, when an educator thought it would be funny to make me the butt of his joke, targeting specifically the habit of tucking my hair behind my ears. My friends watched in horror as the others laughed on. That night I, relapse. In his defence, he wasn’t fully aware of my condition, though he had an inkling about it. Interrogating my friends when I wasn’t in the classroom.

After 6 months of being pulled-free, I started with pulling a strand of hair out. I was in tears as I gave into temptation. That was me 3 years ago and I am still fighting an uphill battle. If I were to say nothing good came up from relapse, I would be lying. I finally gather up the courage to seek professional help. This doesn’t mean I am cured, I still have a long way to go. However, rest assure I am fully ready to face my ‘bad days’.